For years, I told myself I wanted to write a book. What I did not realize was that wanting to write and allowing myself to write were two very different things.
About ten years ago, I wanted to start writing a book. I had always wanted to do so, but finally I felt my life—job, family, friends—was stable enough that I could return to my youthful passion and take up writing as a hobby.
But, I was afraid.
Afraid of what? That was a much more complicated question to ask myself! It took me some time to figure out the real answers.
To begin, I did not even recognize the feelings of fear. Sometimes it would be writer’s block when I sat down to write out a story idea. Some weeks my busy schedule prevented me from finding an hour to write. Some days, I would have an insatiable desire to tidy the house—and I hate cleaning. My fear paraded as so many different things that it took me more than a year to recognize the plethora of avoidance strategies for what they were.
When I finally recognized that I was avoiding writing because I was afraid, I still wasn’t clear what was triggering that fear response. I hired a coach to help me work through the issues systematically so that I could make progress toward my goal to write a book. Little did I know how much this would change my life.
Here are some of the fears that I confronted.
I was afraid of saying anything rude (even if it was true) about the people in my life. I was worried about writing things that would hurt others’ feelings and our relationships. I wanted to be likable and friendly. I did not want to be a gossip or whiner.
What I had to learn is that expressing the truth in the privacy of my journal pages or computer document is much different from publishing something that all the world can read. Writing is a process of uncovering the truth for ourselves. Eventually, we might share the best insights with others, but the act of writing is not the act of publishing.
There are many stages to writing: freewriting, drafting, editing, and polishing. Most of our work does not leave the privacy of our personal files. Few of the words we write actually get published and then read. Before something is released into the world, a good writing partner or editor should help clean up the rough edges to ensure it is as polite (respectable and honest) as it needs to be.
I was afraid that I had nothing interesting to say or it would come out all wrong. Growing up female, I had been told to shut up; the world would rather look at me than listen to what I had to say. I am also dyslexic, so my ideas and stories are often jumbled and out of order. I forego important context or tell the best part first.
It would take time to find my voice, and it would take time to find my style. As I wrote for myself, it was a journey of self-discovery. I found many better motivations to show up on the page: writing to heal, writing to understand, and writing to communicate. If the writing is interesting to me, it is worthwhile for me to continue.
Eventually, I would appreciate the truth—my stories are not for everyone. Even the award-winning masterpieces of all time are hated by some and dismissed by others. Writing for other people is a slippery slope of disappointment. I had to give myself permission to be long-winded and write a tale that did not make sense to anyone else.
I was afraid that I was wasting my time. Growing up in the Midwest as the daughter of Midwesterners, a strong work ethic was instilled in me at a young age. Activities needed to have purpose; time needed to be spent productively. Diversions like TV and movies were to be doled out as rewards only when homework and chores were completed.
Generally, feelings of joy and happiness brought shame because it seemed like I must be doing something wrong. It was decadent to have a pleasurable pastime. Even the word pastime connoted just passing the time. I believed that if I was not doing anything productive, I would go straight to Hell—even though my family does not believe in Hell as Bahá’ís; we were taught we might end up in a less pleasant part of paradise.
Unraveling this myth of productivity and measurable results sent me down the rabbit hole of consumer culture and materialistic values. Our leisure time is commoditized as an object to be leveraged for capital. I had to break the cultural programming that told me I needed to have something useful to show for a few hours off. I had to give myself permission to freely play—which means both to do whatever I want and also to play without needing to spend money.
The final issue that was the most challenging for me to overcome was my deep sense of unworthiness. This fear of not belonging and not being good enough was all of the other fears spun together into one knotted ball of twine. I was not worthy of happiness because I deserved to go to Hell since nothing I ever did was good enough, and in fact I was a mean, bad person who could not do anything right.
Untangling that mess of a thought has taken many years and lots of prayerful meditations and loving coaching sessions. Yet still, when I am tired, it rears its ugly head. Fortunately, I found the work of Brené Brown, so I regularly repeat her mantra: “You are worthy of love and belonging.” I have to remind myself that I am worthy of love and belonging because everyone is worthy of this, and I am part of everyone, so if it is for the whole world, it must also be for me.
Another quote from the writings of Bahá’u’lláh reminds me of God’s grace. It speaks of the time at the beginning of creation where all things were nothing and the Universe loved humanity enough to make each and every one of us: “Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty.”
When I doubt my worthiness, I remind myself that I was created with a purpose. Writing is part of that calling. How I found my life goals is a topic for another post about my personal journey of self-discovery. For now, I hope that these explanations about the many fears I faced while starting my writing journey will help you sidestep your own fears and write your best stories before it is too late.
Do any of these fears resonate with you? I am curious to hear what resistance keeps you from the page.
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